There is a difference between being selfish, being needy, self love, being self less and appreciative love.
Do you know the difference?
Selfish is when you lead your life and expect others around you to do everything for you with little concern about anyone else and an inability to share. You are a “taker” and you are draining and exhausting to be with. It is likely that if you are selfish you will deny it but others around you experience you that way. If anyone gives you feedback that you are selfish you might want to get a little curious and ask what it is that they can see.
Being Needy is when you have emotional, psychological, physical, spiritual, financial, creative, relationship needs and you can not give yourself what you need. Instead you “pull” on others to give you what you need and you “take” from others. You tend to be exhausting to be with. If you find people pulling away from you or find it hard to connect and or maintain friendships people may be responding to your neediness. Be honest. Ask yourself whether you are giving yourself what you need, so that when you spend time with friends you can share your life not “pull” on others to meet your needs.
Self Care and Self Love is when you know yourself well enough that you can give yourself what you need emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually, creatively, relationally. You ooze contentment and happiness and are a great person to be with as you have clear boundaries, and you are kind to yourself and others.
Appreciative Love is when you can give love in a multitude of ways without doing it to control what others give you. You are freely loving and supporting another person with either gifts, acts of service, emotional kindness, empathy, touch and companionship, and there is enjoyment and appreciation in the relationship.
Self Less Are you one of the kind, generous people who think you have to give to others to be liked and loved yourself? I was self-less in my ex-defacto relationship. It did not matter how much I gave to my partner, emotionally, financially, with my labour and love, it was never enough, he exploited my kindness and generosity and I became exhausted from his “taking”. I learnt the hard way that it is important to self love and self care and not to take responsibility for other people. This does not mean that I have become selfish. I still give my labour, love and kindness generously where I feel I want to, it is needed and I feel appreciated. The difference is I detect very early when I am being taken for granted, exploited, manipulated and intimidated and can lovingly create a boundary for myself of self care. Being self-less is not good for anyone.
Do you know how to self care?
Create Time to Self Care
Create time to self care so that all year you are managing your energy and nourishing yourself with whatever it is that you need to feel loved?
Watch your relationships transform the more you take care of yourself.
Answer these questions for yourself and program daily times for some self love.
What brings a smile to your face?
Going for a walk, riding your bike, waking up to the dawn, patting a kitten or a puppy?
Don’t have a kitten – go to a pet shop and pat one – volunteer at the dog home and take care of the dogs, ask to walk your neighbour’s dog.
Singing a sing in the shower, standing in the sunshine, visiting
What relaxes you?
Reading a book on the couch, going to bed early, having a long bath, having a massage?
You can give yourself a foot massage, a hand massage, a face and head massage at any time! You don’t have to wait until you make an appointment with some –one to have a massage.
What makes you laugh?
Comedy? Have a favourite comedy to watch?
Kids? Go to a playground and pretend you are a kid again. Bring out your inner child. What did you love doing when you were little? Ride on swings or a slippery dip? Volunteer to play for an hour with a friend’s kids. You will have and they will love you for it!
What “touches” you?
Friends? Give your best friend a hug, visit your grandma and give her a hug, give your partner an unexpected long, slow, hug.
What makes you sing?
Sing along with the singer you love. Do you love to sing when you are creating, cooking, doing art and craft, cleaning the house, having a shower. Join a choir, sing in an old folks home. Sing yourself some self love.
What makes you dance?
The rain? Run out in the rain and get your face wet and do a twirl. Music? Play your favourite music and dance to your heart’s content.
What makes you feel contented?
Gardening? Ask your neighbour for cuttings and plant them. Watch them grow each day. Cooking? Make your favourite meal, set the table as if for a special event and wallow in giving yourself a special treat.
What nourishes you?
Time alone? Be powerful and say no when asked to go out. Stay home and create a sacred space just for you in your house. Meditate, muse, dream or draw.
Time with friends? Ask some friends over for a games night, play charades, sit around and chat what did you used to do to that you loved and don’t do anymore?
What gives you clarity?
A clean and tidy house? Clean out a cupboard, give away unwanted things to the local charity.
Drawing. Talking out an issue with a trusted friend.
Celebrate your history.
I spent some time recently looking back over my history and creating a timeline of photos and stories of the significant events and people in my life. This was very self nurturing. You can see my timeline here and read about the benefits of looking into your history on this post ‘How Does Your History Effect Your Present?”
Have fun with creating a list of what nourishes you?
Program times into your daily and weekly schedule just to do the things that nourish you.
Take action now. What are you going to do to nourish yourself with love this week?
Contact me for a Catalyst session to understand how Mentoring can help you create a healthy loving relationship with yourself, your partner, family and your work colleagues. Apply here. Or Email at firstname.lastname@example.org
Is tension and stress normal for you? – http://www.deblange.com/is-tension-and-stress-normal/